He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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