so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
