There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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