Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
