I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
