Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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