i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Houston, we have a squirter
What a dumb baby whore.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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