awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
