No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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