I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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