i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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