hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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