plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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