i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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