im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
