What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You took a bar mat shot.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
