took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Farmville is her only friend.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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