Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
