It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
