We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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