There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
