i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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