Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
