I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize