I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
