I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
