yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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