Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Randomize
