last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Randomize