can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
