She announced her abortion via fbk
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
50% drunk capacity currently
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize