How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
