You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize