Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize