Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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