It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
