I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
