why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
