I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
