do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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