I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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