toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
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