I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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