I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
