doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
