when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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