Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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