get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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