Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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