First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
