i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
