his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
