you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
