cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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