when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
