The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
you had me at cake vodka
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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