I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
