Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
