I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
