bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
